Thursday, March 29, 2007

3-29-07

Osaka is the second largest city in Japan (after Tokyo) and it is HUGE! I arrived today and quickly found the information building and found a real cheap place to stay but had to take the train to the other side of the city to do so. But no big deal, got a cheap room and started to explore. I found the Tsutentaku Tower (big metal thing pointing upwards) and went to the top to `ooohh` and `aahhh` with the other locals who did the same thing. I ended up buying another one of those ridiculous commemorative coins that you can get your name stamped into, that makes a total of 4 so far, 4 medallions that are cool, but utterly useless. At least I can`t be accused of any crimes I commit while over here since the date is also stamped into it. This one happens to have a picture of Billiken so that`s pretty cool. I knew he looked familiar but couldn`t figure out from where. His feet are all worn down by people rubbing them for good luck, kind of like the statue of St. Peter in Rome. I wonder who grants more wishes?

After that I noticed lots of flashing lights and since I respond great to binary stimulation I followed them to the Shinsekai district which (unknown to me at the time) is one of Japans scaaaary places meaning that people don`t bow as much or something stupid like that. Either way, there are tons and tons of computer, DVD and gaming shops around here. It`s overwhelming, one big main street flanked on either side with lots and lots of lights, buildings draped with Gundam posters and lots of people. I stopped for some fried octopus balls (balls made out of octopus, not the actual balls of an octopus) and had a great conversation, in English, with the vendor which basically involved me recounting whether or not I had slept with any Japanese girls yet. `Nihongo ga wakarimasen, sumimasen` I told him, `I don`t speak Japanese, sorri` which struck me as particularly funny since I had translated Bislama into Japanese. Nice enough guy though, his topic of conversation should have tipped me off to where I was, which brings me to . . .

The computer/media shops. They are typically about 5 stories tall and advertise selling DVD`s, comics, etc. I`m a curious kind of fellow so I go in to see what these places are selling, only to find that it`s all pornography. And not just any normal, vanilla pornography, oh no. This is not your father`s porn, this is the crazy kind of demented shit that ferments in the mind of a 33 year old still living in his mother`s basement who is thinking about starting his own business but can`t stand the thought of breaking out on his own. I don`t even know if this stuff is on the internet . . . ok I know that it`s probably on the internet but have never seen, nor have I ever tried to find it. I knew that animation is just another medium over here but good lord this shit is twisted. I managed to take a few pictures but then decided against it, not because multiple-appendage porn would look suspicious but because I thought about what would happen if I die over here and my camera is admitted into evidence, I can see the scenario now.

Policeman 1:`Well ok, let`s check out the last few things he took pictures of before he died, the poor bastard.`

Policeman 2:`Hey hey, look at this! Sick son of a bitch came over here for some shopping! Let`s go defile his memory by showing this to his family`

Policeman 1: `Yeah, but lemme see it for about 15 minutes first`

The crazy thing is that it`s not just one, or two, or ten of these buildings, there`s like blocks and blocks of them! Ridiculous! It`s worse than Vegas! At first I thought to myself `No, surely not all of these shops can be so lurid, so scandalous!` but after my 5th or 6th time going into these places and seeing the same vacant expression of the store clerk I realized that yes, all of them are the same. Except some sell costumes. After reading more about Osaka and the districts, this part of the city is apparently known as some kind of haven for anime watching, manga reading, cosplayers. The kind of place where the really insecure kids in the States think they would be cool if only they could come to Japan. Well, it`s not that kind of place. Most of the clientel are business men which makes it even more creepy since they all dress the same. It`s like seeing the same salary man in every DVD store. Of course it probably doesn`t help that I`m in the most run down internet cafe ever with non-smoking sections right next to the smoking ones. Remind me to stay away from places where the toilet is the cleanest smelling room of an establishment. And beware of green Fanta. Who the fuck in their right mind would make a green Fanta?! I`m going to have to wash my clothes just to get the smoke out of them. Tomorrow I`m going to see the castle and other parts of Osaka that don`t involve pornography.




But first, behold the sensation of Kyoto Station.




It`s a trash can that climbs up stairs! It`s a stair climber that holds waste!And it`s coming to get you!


Quick, someone call the giant stone Buddha!

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